Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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