K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
