My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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