Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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