I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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