we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
