someone threw a dead crab at me
im six kinds of drunk right now
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
