ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
