I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
