he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
