My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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