According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
