I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
In other news, I just burned my penis
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
