Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
