I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I CAN MOONWALK!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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