How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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