Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
