One girl and one boy is just not enough.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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