My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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