my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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