OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i will never coherently bang her
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
