Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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