i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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