Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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