At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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