I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
