So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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