I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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