My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
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Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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