she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
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stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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