i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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