it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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