do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
