hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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