Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
