You're a womanizer and a bitch.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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