yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
