we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.