You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?