Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
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you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
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Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.