My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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