Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
