this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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