Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
