Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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