Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
