Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
