honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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