I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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