I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
