I accidentally had phone sex last night
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
