he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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