The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
