dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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