bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
