I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
