Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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