If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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