in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
